I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
