Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
