Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
