it wasn't lemon gatorade
Someone shit on the floor
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
