The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
