jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
