New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
