i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
