My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
