I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
