I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
