"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
