Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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