did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
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tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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