what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
