I accidentally had phone sex last night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
