No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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