I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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