I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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