Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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