if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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