Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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