I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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