her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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