I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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