my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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