it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
