I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
