i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
