My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
