when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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