Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
