Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
