I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
