Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i think my mom watched the whole time
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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