There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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