We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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