she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Let's paint friendship bongs
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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