I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
