I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
