When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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