Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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