The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
