On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
