If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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