no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
