I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
