I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
