I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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