You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
