drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
