he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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