if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
