He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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