Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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