I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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