um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
