Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
