Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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