In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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